How Is Your Relationship With Your Teen?

Nicole Rouleau, ADHD-CCSP

As parents, it can be tough to see your teenager become distant or angry with you. These 10 tips can help you relate and reconnect.


It's not uncommon for teens to go through phases where they seem to hate their parents. But why does this happen? Through my experience coaching teens and being a mom to three children, I've learned that there are common themes in what teenagers find annoying and frustrating about their parents. Below, I've listed the most common complaints I've heard from teens about their parents and what you can do to help.

1. Frequently remind teens not to waste their potential. Telling teens that they aren't living up to their potential may seem like a good idea – after all, you want the best for your child. However, this approach can have an adverse effect.
Teenagers often feel like failures if they're on the receiving end of this type of comment. It can also lead them to believe that their parents' love is dependent on how successful they are. Instead of nagging or lecturing your teens, encourage them to reflect on their current situation. Help them to gain self-awareness without criticizing or reprimanding them. Ask them gently about what they plan to do to make progress. Don't forget to celebrate small wins along the way. You can also make positive comments to acknowledge your teens' effort when they work hard or implement good study habits, regardless of the outcome.

2. Parents overreact to small mistakes. We all make mistakes – it's a part of how we learn and grow. However, the way you respond to your teens' mistakes can cause problems.
For example, your teenager might have lost track of time while hanging out with friends. They're now late in getting home, and you're annoyed. It's important to take a step back and respond rather than react. First, ask your teen why they're late. Once you understand the situation better, you can then discuss strategies with them to prevent the same thing from happening in the future. Help them learn problem solving skills. The key is to not overreact. If you frequently overreact, it will create emotional distance between you and your teen.

3. Parents overemphasize academic achievement. Academics are important, but are they the only aspect of your teens' life worth discussing?
Rather than only asking your teens questions related to school, focus on building a connection with them. Try starting conversations by talking about things that your teens are interested in. Find out more about what they like and dislike, and about what their perspective is on various issues. Once you build a strong, trusting connection, teens will love to share their opinions, and in my experience, it is usually just as you are ready to go to bed! Give them time when they are ready to talk, before you know it, they are adults living their own life and you will wish you could get this time back. 
The deeper the connection you have with your teens, the more likely it is that you'll be able to influence them when it counts.

4. Parents continually criticize and nag their teens. When raising teenagers, there will be opportunities for you to provide constructive criticism. However, nobody enjoys receiving constant criticism.
If you continually criticize your teens, it will hurt their self-esteem. Your teens might even become convinced that it's impossible to live up to your expectations. Try replacing negative comments with acknowledgments of your teens' progress. Make a positive comment whenever you observe your teens trying hard or behaving responsibly. This is a fantastic way to motivate your teenagers and show them that you're their biggest supporter.

5. Teens often feel disrespected by their parents. Nobody likes to be talked down to or treated disrespectfully. Even though you have more knowledge and experience than your teenagers, avoid being condescending.
Think back to when you were a teenager. You probably thought you knew better than your parents, so don't be surprised if your teens think they know better than you. So treat your teens with respect. If you don't, it'll be hard for you to expect the same kind of treatment from them.

6. Teens feel pressured to pursue their parent's dreams. 
It can be tempting to view your teens as younger versions of yourself, but you need to respect their individuality and support them as they work toward goals they find meaningful. You might work hard to offer opportunities for your teens to do things you couldn’t do when you were younger. Is it possible they feel like you are pushing them towards a career path or extracurricular interest? It's important to acknowledge that your teenagers have their own unique personalities and passions. As a parent, you should honor their individuality and encourage them to pursue their own meaningful objectives.

7. Do you downplay your teen's feelings? It's important not to dismiss or invalidate your teen's feelings, as this can minimize issues that are important to them. 
Remember that acknowledging your teen's emotions doesn't imply that you approve of their actions or beliefs. It just means that you are actively listening to their perspective, empathizing with their situation, and showing them that you value their feelings and your connection with them. It is crucial to validate your teenager's emotions as it provides them with a sense of support and reinforces their belief that they can confide in you regarding their problems and worries.
For instance, if your teenager expresses distress over not being selected for the soccer team, it is essential to acknowledge their emotions and offer support rather than dismissing their feelings with advice such as practicing harder for next year. Instead, phrases like "I can imagine how tough it must be to not make the team after putting in so much effort. It's understandable to feel upset" can validate their feelings.

By validating your teenager's emotions, you help them feel less isolated when dealing with life's challenges, and you offer them a trusted source to work through their emotions, which can be beneficial in future predicaments. Validation is a critical skill that is often encouraged and practiced during many therapy sessions, especially in DBT.

8. Parents often overlook the things that matter to their teenagers.
What sort of things really matter to you teens? Along the lines of validation mentioned above, we must try not to be dismissive of things that are important to your teens, even if you think they might be a waste of their time.

9. Do you apologize when you are wrong?
It can be tough to admit when you're wrong, but apologizing takes courage and models responsible behavior for your teenagers. It can inspire them to do the same when faced with a similar situation.

10. Teens often say that their parents don't include them in the decision-making process. 
As teens get older, they'll start to test existing boundaries. It only makes sense to include your teens in setting expectations and boundaries. Working together to establish healthy boundaries is beneficial to both parents and teens. After all, we want our children to become confident decision makers as young adults. This is actually a skill and needs to be taught. 

Let's face it, maintaining a healthy relationship with your teenager is essential for their emotional and mental well-being. By identifying which reasons ring true for you and your teen, you can take steps to mend the relationship and strengthen it too. With time and effort, you can bring out the best in your teen and build a positive relationship.

Thank you to Nicole Rouleau of Igniting Your Mind for this guest post.

Learn More About Igniting Your Mind

Nicole Rouleau is the owner of Igniting Your Mind and is a neuroscience-based ADHD & Executive Function Educator/Coach. She helps clients understand that their unique brain states impact how they respond to stress in their environment. She collaborate with our clients to help them develop ways to regulate their emotions, demonstrate flexibility and build verbal and non-verbal working memory skills. These aspects comprise what we know as Executive Functions, a crucial set of life skills needed to achieve independence and success in life. 

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I can’t even count the number of friends, family members and professionals who told me I was “just looking for things that were wrong” or “just being a nervous first time mom” or that he was “just giving me a hard time.” My gut knew that he was HAVING a hard time and guess what? I was right, all along. Trust your gut and don’t let anyone make you question it. Don’t Rely On the District to Guide You We took advantage of every teacher conference and always brought our concerns to those meetings. No one ever once said, “You can/should/could request an evaluation.” No one even said “I agree you should look into this.” He was good and quiet and smart and could rely on his strengths to get through each day, falling apart as soon as he walked out the door. When I was told by the team that he only needed a 504 and accommodations, I didn’t question it. I mean, they are the experts, right? It’s their duty by law to adequately assess and support every student, correct? Yes, it is. 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While it’s never too late to address deficits and learn new skills, earlier is ALWAYS better in terms of how long it will take and how much effort it will require for your child. Wait and see is code for “I want to pass this scenario down the line”, among other things. Do Write Everything Down AND Keep/Organize It One of my biggest regrets in discussing all of these concerns those first few years verbally and with my son’s teachers. I have zero proof that I ever expressed my concerns to anyone or that they didn’t do anything about those concerns. I’ve spent hours searching for report cards, test results, email correspondence and more. From day one of your gut being triggered, start a chronological log (use a Google doc for example) with entries by date, the most recent being at the top. At minimum, create a file folder in your email account and move all correspondence on this issue to that file. Any concern you want to express, any evaluation or support you want to request, put it in writing with the date and send it to both the teacher and appropriate administrator (email will suffice). Don’t Accept “We Don’t Do That Here” As An Answer If you are told, in response to a request, that “we don’t do that here”, ask them to show you the law in writing. For example, when I asked to record our IEP meeting (which is permissible by law in Pa) I was told I could not. When asked why, the Supervisor of Special Education replied “we don’t do that here.” When my advocate presented her with the law stating that I could she replied, “Well, yes, but we just usually don’t.” Ummm “We prefer not to” is not the same as “by law we do not have to or you are not permitted to.” Do Find (& Bring) Your People I fought SO hard for SO long and, toward the end, I meant business. I created slideshows with data to bring to the meetings. I wrote novels in advance of meetings. I researched signs and symptoms and correlated those with his data. And so on. I got absolutely nowhere until I nearly broke and brought in an advocate. It was then and only then that they truly started listening and put the wheels in motion. I often wonder how our journey would be different had I brought her on from the start or anywhere along the way. We are fortunate in our area to have many excellent private advocates, ones who offer a sliding scale and non-profits who may help advocate at no cost to your family. Even if you simply bring a friend or family member to the table as an extra pair of ears or to take notes, you will be better off. They may have seven people on their side of the in-person or virtual table. That can feel incredibly intimidating when you are the only one on yours. You weren’t meant to parent alone and this journey adds a whole new layer to needing a village. Your friends may never have been in your position of having a child with special needs or having to fight to get them what they need. Find and surround yourself with those who do. Speaking of needing a village, we’ve got you and, now, you’ve got us. Wherever you are on this journey, learn more about many ways and places, both virtually and in-person, you can connect with experts and parents “who get it” on our Find Your Community page and our Events calendar.
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If you have a neurodivergent and/or sensory sensitive child, you likely know that the struggle is real when it comes to necessary evils like getting a haircut. Fortunately, with a little preparation you can make this chore much easier for you and your kiddo.
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