My Child With Autism Doesn't Sleep - Help!

Melissa Doman

If you've been told "It's just part of the diagnosis" you'll want to read this...


Special needs sleep consultant Melissa Doman shares her top things to consider when addressing sleep struggles in children with autism in this guest post. 

Whether your child with ASD has struggled to sleep for days, weeks, months…or years, it can feel overwhelming and frustrating as to why it’s just. not. happening. As a parent, you worry how your child can function on the few hours they’re getting.

You may have asked your child’s doctors and therapists about their sleep struggles and have only heard:

“It’s just part of the diagnosis.”

That’s a pretty easy answer to fall back on. And, a bit of a lazy one. It hurts your child when specialists hide behind what might be common symptoms. It takes the responsibility off of them to help you solve the problem.

It’s an answer many parents like you get, but it doesn’t get down to the root of WHY your child with autism isn’t sleeping. Here are the main reasons why your child might be struggling:

Not enough or too much stimulation
One of the first questions I ask parents is what their child seeks or avoids when it comes to sensory inputs. This includes seeing, hearing, feeling, smell/taste, proprioception, interoception. You name it! If your child tends to seek input, there’s no question that their brain will be seeking at night. It’s just not getting enough!

Even with the most intensive therapies, I find that the sensory system is so often ignored. When kids are getting the right stimuli, the brain can be more settled and calmer at night. There can be too much of a good thing, but kids with autism need that input.

On the other hand, for children who are avoiding or hypersensitive see, hear, feel, the world at a much more heightened state. It’s not as easy for them to settle to sleep when their system is overstimulated. This hypersensitivity can also kick in your child’s “fight, flight, or freeze” response. Some children may hear sounds at night that they might perceive as a threat. If that’s the case, they could have a very hard time getting to or staying asleep.

Not enough or too much activity
When we don’t get enough physical activity, our body doesn’t have as strong of a need for sleep. For some children, they might be on the move constantly. However, it might be “chaotic” movement. For example, some children might run from room to room, jump into this, onto that, hours on end. And, this might be related to sensory issues.

Getting adequate amounts of physical activity not only helps create the need to sleep, but it can help “regulate” our many systems. When we are doing regular physical activity, our breathing is deeper and more dynamic, we may feel more focused, we’re in a better mood. All of these can have a great impact on our quality of sleep at night. Going for a walk is one of the best ways to do this!

Some children do need more activity and to stay very active. But again — there can be too much of a good thing. Too much can also make your child overtired, which can affect how deep your child’s sleep is. Through tracking, some parents can find that “happy medium” when it comes to just enough activity for their child on the spectrum.

This also goes for therapy as well. As crucial as therapy treatments are to help your child achieve milestones and give their brain the “exercise” it needs, too much can also affect how well your child goes to sleep and stays asleep. This article outlines a bit more of what to look for and how to help your child feel more calm after a busy day.

Breathing Difficulties
When we have difficulty breathing at night, our ability to get good quality, deep, restorative sleep is greatly affected. For children, this lack of quality sleep can affect focus, mood, sensory perception, behavior and more. Some “red flags” to look for are: sleeping with the mouth open, snoring, teeth grinding, thumb sucking, pacifier/bottle reliance, chronic ear infections, etc.

If you see these on a fairly regular basis, it is important to have your child checked out by their pediatrician or ENT. This is to rule out any issues with tonsils and/or adenoids. If it is severe enough, a sleep study might be helpful to get the right treatments.

That being said, I know dozens of families that have gone through these tests and procedures and their child continued to have difficulty with their sleep well after. However, breathing difficulties should be ruled out, especially if your child is over the age of 3 years old.

Nutritional Deficiencies
Many autistic children struggle with digestive problems or getting the nutrients they need. In one study, 50% of the children with ASD had at least one digestive issue – constipation, diarrhea, bloating, vomiting, etc.

For some children, they may not like the taste, texture, and/or smell of foods. Because of this, they might have a limited number of foods they are willing to eat. Most of the time, these foods are not the most nutrient dense, like chips, candy, fast food, and more. If the body lacks calcium, Vitamin B6, magnesium, and other essential nutrients, it cannot produce enough melatonin to sustain good sleep.

If your child struggles with digestive discomfort as listed above, this can make them feel irritable and can throw a wrench in the works when it comes to sleep. The sensations that they are feeling can be overwhelming and much more intense than what we perceive.

Inability to Produce Melatonin
Honestly, I hesitate to put this here. However, there are some children that are unable to produce enough melatonin naturally. To check this for your child, you can ask for a blood, urine, or saliva test from your doctor.

Over the counter melatonin is one of the most recommended “treatments” for sleep difficulties in kids with autism. However, many families I speak to say it might help getting their child to sleep for the night. But, will not keep them sleeping. Other families have said it gives the complete opposite effect, and their child will be even more wired.

Using an over the counter or prescription melatonin should only be considered as a short-term solution, not a long term. Getting down to the root of your child’s sleep issues will get you far better results.

Your child has learned some not-so-great sleep habits
Over years and thousands of sleeps, we have learned our own ways to get to sleep. Most of us need our pillow and blanket. You might need to have your arms tucked in a certain way, or lie on one side. Whatever it is, you are not dependent on someone else to make sleep happen.

For most of the kids I work with, this is a big part of their sleep difficulties. Many children with autism learn they need a parent or caretaker to rock, hold, lie with, and/or drive them around to fall off for the night. In these instances, parents have become the pillow and blanket. They’ve become their child’s strategy to get to sleep. Some children will insist on snacks, tablet, music, projectors, pacifiers, and other tools to help themselves regulate and get to sleep.

Best case scenario, your child gets this help and maaaay stay asleep. But often, children will continue to look for this help, or these “crutches” over and over again through the night. And, if your child has any kind of sensory issue they will definitely know if their sleep situation changes.

If your child relies on some of these other self-regulating tools listed above, it is important to give your child enough stimulation during the day so they’re less likely to seek for these tools at night. It isn’t an easy process, but your child can learn to sleep without these tools.

So, now I know why – can my child be helped?
Once parents know and learn the why’s behind their child’s sleep, it can be hard to know what are the first steps. For some children with ASD, they might need help in only one or all of the areas listed above.

Either way, it can be a lot of work to do on your own.

My team and I are here to help guide you in that journey to better sleep. We take a “no stones left unturned” approach when it comes to helping our families. We know that children like yours learn, process, and master skills at their own pace. It’s important that any changes you make with your child reflect this.

And, we’ve seen (just about) everything! We have tips and troubleshoots for nearly any issue that can come in between your child and the rest they deserve.

We firmly believe that children like yours CAN sleep better. It doesn’t have to be just “part of their diagnosis.” With the right tools, support, patience, your child can be an incredible sleeper.
Learn More About Melissa's Team Schedule a Discovery Call

Melissa Doman is the founder of Melissa Doman Sleep Consulting. She holds certifications as a Doman Method Coach, a Sleep Sense Consultant and a Child Brain Developmentalist. She has over ten years experience working with special needs and varying diagnoses in the Philadelphia area and around the world.


Her team will give you the right tools so you and your family can be better rested and less stressed and see just what your brilliant child is capable of!


By Erica Desper 01 May, 2024
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By Erin Brown, M.Ed, CRC 18 Apr, 2024
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By Erin Brown, M.Ed, CRC 15 Apr, 2024
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By Sarah Peritz, Center for CBT 09 Feb, 2024
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By Erica Desper 27 Oct, 2023
I am writing this 13 years into my parenting journey and 8 years after I first voiced concern about my son to his teacher in 1st grade. Long, agonizing story short, he was passed on year after year as “too young” and “fine” and “not a behavior problem”. The school evaluations we did manage to secure found nothing aside from some executive functioning deficits that “didn’t require specialized education”. Fast forward to 8th grade: he was failing and several independent evaluations determined my son had the following slew of diagnoses: Autism Level 2 ADHD Anxiety Auditory Processing Disorder OCD Dyscalculia (Specific Learning Disability in Math) Dysgraphia (Developmental Coordination Disorder/DCD) Pragmatic Language Deficit Sensory Processing Disorder Social Anxiety Communication Disorder Visual Processing Disorders While I did the best I could with who I was and what I knew at the time, I did it all “wrong”. I struggle with immense guilt, frustration and regrets. I was trusting and quiet. I allowed others to make me second guess myself. I am choosing to channel all of those feelings into my mission to help other parents and children avoid a similar prolonged journey by bringing you the information and resources you need to do it better and from the start. If I had the journey to do all over again, here is a short list of the most critical things I would tell myself at the start… Do Trust Your Gut When my son had to be pried from my body every morning for all of his preschool years, I suspected something was up. Shouldn’t he have adjusted by now? When he couldn’t form his letters correctly, despite loads of practice, when numbers didn’t seem to make sense to him, when he would forget a concept from problem to problem, I knew something was up. I can’t even count the number of friends, family members and professionals who told me I was “just looking for things that were wrong” or “just being a nervous first time mom” or that he was “just giving me a hard time.” My gut knew that he was HAVING a hard time and guess what? I was right, all along. Trust your gut and don’t let anyone make you question it. Don’t Rely On the District to Guide You We took advantage of every teacher conference and always brought our concerns to those meetings. No one ever once said, “You can/should/could request an evaluation.” No one even said “I agree you should look into this.” He was good and quiet and smart and could rely on his strengths to get through each day, falling apart as soon as he walked out the door. When I was told by the team that he only needed a 504 and accommodations, I didn’t question it. I mean, they are the experts, right? It’s their duty by law to adequately assess and support every student, correct? Yes, it is. Unfortunately, it is also in their best interests to follow the letter of the law and not offer, suggest or give more than a parent asks for. Educate yourself about what is available and adequate for your child (or seek out someone who knows) and ask for those things explicitly and adamantly. Do Be the Squeaky Wheel Explicit and adamant are not always enough. Unfortunately, special education resources are like a pie and there are far more children who need pie than there are pieces to dole out. If you are concerned about being “nice”, not rocking the boat, about being a bother or annoying, or about creating a contentious situation, your child may not get what they need. Be as loud as it takes, as often as you need to be and for as long as it takes. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. Don’t Wait and See. EVER. I fell hard for the “it’s so early” and “he’s too young” and “we don’t do that here” jargon. While it’s never too late to address deficits and learn new skills, earlier is ALWAYS better in terms of how long it will take and how much effort it will require for your child. Wait and see is code for “I want to pass this scenario down the line”, among other things. Do Write Everything Down AND Keep/Organize It One of my biggest regrets in discussing all of these concerns those first few years verbally and with my son’s teachers. I have zero proof that I ever expressed my concerns to anyone or that they didn’t do anything about those concerns. I’ve spent hours searching for report cards, test results, email correspondence and more. From day one of your gut being triggered, start a chronological log (use a Google doc for example) with entries by date, the most recent being at the top. At minimum, create a file folder in your email account and move all correspondence on this issue to that file. Any concern you want to express, any evaluation or support you want to request, put it in writing with the date and send it to both the teacher and appropriate administrator (email will suffice). Don’t Accept “We Don’t Do That Here” As An Answer If you are told, in response to a request, that “we don’t do that here”, ask them to show you the law in writing. For example, when I asked to record our IEP meeting (which is permissible by law in Pa) I was told I could not. When asked why, the Supervisor of Special Education replied “we don’t do that here.” When my advocate presented her with the law stating that I could she replied, “Well, yes, but we just usually don’t.” Ummm “We prefer not to” is not the same as “by law we do not have to or you are not permitted to.” Do Find (& Bring) Your People I fought SO hard for SO long and, toward the end, I meant business. I created slideshows with data to bring to the meetings. I wrote novels in advance of meetings. I researched signs and symptoms and correlated those with his data. And so on. I got absolutely nowhere until I nearly broke and brought in an advocate. It was then and only then that they truly started listening and put the wheels in motion. I often wonder how our journey would be different had I brought her on from the start or anywhere along the way. We are fortunate in our area to have many excellent private advocates, ones who offer a sliding scale and non-profits who may help advocate at no cost to your family. Even if you simply bring a friend or family member to the table as an extra pair of ears or to take notes, you will be better off. They may have seven people on their side of the in-person or virtual table. That can feel incredibly intimidating when you are the only one on yours. You weren’t meant to parent alone and this journey adds a whole new layer to needing a village. Your friends may never have been in your position of having a child with special needs or having to fight to get them what they need. Find and surround yourself with those who do. Speaking of needing a village, we’ve got you and, now, you’ve got us. Wherever you are on this journey, learn more about many ways and places, both virtually and in-person, you can connect with experts and parents “who get it” on our Find Your Community page and our Events calendar.
By Erica Desper 26 Oct, 2023
October is National Disability Employment Awareness Month (NDEAM), observed to celebrate the contributions of America’s workers with disabilities and the businesses that employ them. Check out these three amazing local resources, each on a mission of inclusion in the workplace... Game On State 2 years ago the Rubin family opened the doors to their retro arcade on State Street in Media, Pa to offer "a safe and memorable family entertainment experience with a diverse and inclusive community". Aptly tagged "Everybody's Arcade", their mission includes not only having it be a place where everyone is welcome, regardless of their needs, but also a way to honor their commitment to employing people with disabilities. They work closely with Community Integrated Services , an organization working to build a more inclusive, diverse, and equitable workforce, and currently employ four CIS participants in their arcade and store. They offer sensory friendly nights, private parties for kids and adults and even a karaoke night. Congratulations to the Rubin family on celebrating two years of promoting community, diversity and inclusion. Visit Game on State here.
By Erica Desper 25 Sep, 2023
If you have a neurodivergent and/or sensory sensitive child, you likely know that the struggle is real when it comes to necessary evils like getting a haircut. Fortunately, with a little preparation you can make this chore much easier for you and your kiddo.
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